Love, Loss, and a Whole Lot of Confusion

January 9, 2012, my Grandmother passed away.  January 19, 2012, my Grandfather passed away.

It has been a very emotional time for me, as I am trying to sort out my feelings of two people who have shaped my life in ways they will never know.  I always knew that my grandparents loved me.  And I loved them too.  That's what you do, you love your family.  But things were complicated.  I do not want to get into the details of this complication, but I had a hard time feeling the whole hearted love for my grandparents that a granddaughter is supposed to have.

Which puts me in a terrible position today.  My life has completely changed in the last 13 days.  I wish that I would have done things differently.  That I could have found the strength within myself to build a better relationship with them.  Now I will never have that chance.  The last time that I saw my Grandma was my sister's birthday.  How was I to know that that was going to be my last hug?  Maybe I would have held on a little longer.  I did not know anything was wrong until I was at the airport, on my way back from Ireland. I called my mom to check in, and she told me that my Grandma had been in the hospital the previous week with pancreatitis, but not to worry because they let her out and she was doing alright.  The next day she was gone.  I didn't even have a chance to call her and tell her that I hoped she was feeling better.

I spent time with my Grandpa later that day, and throughout the following week.  We all did.  He and my grandma had been married for 54 years, and we knew that he had to be having a hard time.  He was already so fragile.  Truth be told, we had been expecting him to pass on for sometime.  We knew he was vulnerable now that he did not have my Grandma to be strong for.  The next week was a whirlwind.  His health deteriorated so quickly.  It was obvious that he had been holding strong for Grandma, and now he was ready to go.  Hospice came on Wednesday and by Thursday they told us he wouldn't make it through the night.  Surrounded by family, my Grandpa passed away at 10 pm on Thursday, January 19th.  His last words were, "I love you too Honey."  We think he and Grandma had just reunited.

In previous years I had thought about how the death of my Grandparents would effect me.  I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that has washed over me.  I am still as confused today as I was before.  All I know is that they did love me, and I may have loved them more than I let myself believe.  I am so torn up that I didn't allow myself to forgive them.  All I can do is hope that they have found peace, and that they know how much I really did care.

I love you...

Don't Worry, Be Happy

A coworker asked me the other day why I was always so positive.  I paused for a second before responding, "What's the alternative?  Being negative?  What's the point of that?"  Then I got to thinking. For a while, I did fall on the negative side of the fence.  Yes indeed, I was a Negative Nancy.  Of course you must always take some responsibility for yourself, but I think that my problem stemmed from the negativity that surrounded me day in and day out at my old job.  It was a daily routine to complain about the job, or someone in the office, and after a while it really starts to become a part of you.

The people that you surround yourself with can have a huge influence on your behavior.  When you are spending more time at work than you are with your family and friends, it starts to shape your personality.  The environment that I was in was so unhealthy for me, it was really starting to have an impact on my life outside of work.  I had said that I was going to quit my job for years, but never had the guts to do it.  How do you just give up the stability of a job that you have had for seven years?  My husband would always say, "You are unhappy, you need to quit."  But I'm not a quitter.  I can't just quit.  Then finally I did just that.  I QUIT.  Those words are so foreign to me.  I don't think I had ever really quit anything in my life.  I guessed I phased of childhood activities like Girl Scouts, but I never just quit.  And you know what, it has been quite liberating.

It is an amazing feeling that I took a stand, for myself and with no back up plan, and said, "I want something better for myself."  I'm not talking monetarily better, I just wanted something that didn't wear me down emotionally and mentally.  Those four weeks of semi-unemployment ( I was still working at the fabric store) gave me time to realize that I deserve to be happy.  Everyone deserves to be happy.  Why work for a company that doesn't treat you the way you deserve?  Sure it is comforting to know that you have health insurance and three weeks of vacation a year, but at what cost?  I took a leap of faith.  Faith in myself that I could do better.  And you know what, I was right.  I ended up landing a job that I didn't even apply for.  I applied for a front desk position and was told they were not hiring.  The general manager saw my resume and pursued me for a management position.

Perhaps I am babbling, but I really feel like there is a point in here somewhere.  It was not until I decided that I wanted to be happy that good things came along that made me happy.  If you are unhappy with where you are in life, things aren't going to change for you, you need to make a change.  Why let anyone or anything else dictate whether or not you are going to be happy?  You have the power to be happy, it's up to you.  So whether you have negative friends that zap your energy every time you talk to them, or you wish you had a better job, do something about it.  Nobody ever said you aren't allowed to move on.  There are so many options in the world, why not find the one that compliments you?  It is never too late to make yourself happy.

Blogging

to anyone who may have read this blog in the past, one thing is quite obvious... i suck at blogging.  the last dry spell lasted over a year, but now i am back.  i have changed just about everything, deleted all of the old posts, and am starting new.  if you have never been to my blog before, welcome!  i hope that you find something here that is interesting enough to keep you coming back.

a little bit about me and what i would like to bring to the blogging world.  i would describe myself as a workaholic hippie.  now if that is not an oxymoron, i don't know what is.  i am employed full time at the hyatt place as the sales and meeting manager, part-time at a fabric store, and i have recently started up my own sewing/upholstery business "sew nerdy."  you may be asking yourself, "where does being a hippie come in?"  well let me tell you.  i am a free spirit who loves to travel, and would love to be a beach bum.  i have a laid back style, and do my best to not get to worked up about things.  i try to be a creative, loving person, that makes the world a better place.  

i know how easy it is to get sucked into the ho-hum life of an adult, but i try to resist convention whenever the situation calls for it.  given the chance to eat a fancy dinner or play in mud, i will choose the mud every time.  i hope you enjoy reading about my travels, my creations, my bad days and my good days, my thoughts on world events and the world of entertainment.  thanks for going on the journey of life with me, i hope you have a wonderful trip!