Love, Loss, and a Whole Lot of Confusion

January 9, 2012, my Grandmother passed away.  January 19, 2012, my Grandfather passed away.

It has been a very emotional time for me, as I am trying to sort out my feelings of two people who have shaped my life in ways they will never know.  I always knew that my grandparents loved me.  And I loved them too.  That's what you do, you love your family.  But things were complicated.  I do not want to get into the details of this complication, but I had a hard time feeling the whole hearted love for my grandparents that a granddaughter is supposed to have.

Which puts me in a terrible position today.  My life has completely changed in the last 13 days.  I wish that I would have done things differently.  That I could have found the strength within myself to build a better relationship with them.  Now I will never have that chance.  The last time that I saw my Grandma was my sister's birthday.  How was I to know that that was going to be my last hug?  Maybe I would have held on a little longer.  I did not know anything was wrong until I was at the airport, on my way back from Ireland. I called my mom to check in, and she told me that my Grandma had been in the hospital the previous week with pancreatitis, but not to worry because they let her out and she was doing alright.  The next day she was gone.  I didn't even have a chance to call her and tell her that I hoped she was feeling better.

I spent time with my Grandpa later that day, and throughout the following week.  We all did.  He and my grandma had been married for 54 years, and we knew that he had to be having a hard time.  He was already so fragile.  Truth be told, we had been expecting him to pass on for sometime.  We knew he was vulnerable now that he did not have my Grandma to be strong for.  The next week was a whirlwind.  His health deteriorated so quickly.  It was obvious that he had been holding strong for Grandma, and now he was ready to go.  Hospice came on Wednesday and by Thursday they told us he wouldn't make it through the night.  Surrounded by family, my Grandpa passed away at 10 pm on Thursday, January 19th.  His last words were, "I love you too Honey."  We think he and Grandma had just reunited.

In previous years I had thought about how the death of my Grandparents would effect me.  I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that has washed over me.  I am still as confused today as I was before.  All I know is that they did love me, and I may have loved them more than I let myself believe.  I am so torn up that I didn't allow myself to forgive them.  All I can do is hope that they have found peace, and that they know how much I really did care.

I love you...